If you’re reading this, that means I have landed safely back in New York. That’s right, the King of Queens is home. I had some business to take care of in Detroit Michigan. Now you may confuse me with Pitbull because the way I be moving you’d think I’m Mr. Worldwide, but if you must know, my favorite dog is a German Shepherd. Now, my flight was delayed on the tarmac due to “runway traffic,” whatever that fuckin means. But it got me thinking about my thoughts about planes, and since my thoughts were meant for sharing with entire world, I figured I should jot them down for you here;
THOUGHT NUMBER 1: HOW COULD THERE BE RUNWAY TRAFFIC?
If there was an announcement, “your flight is delayed there is a problem with the plane.” Is it aggravating? Yes. Is it understandable though, also yes. If there was an announcement “the crew is not here yet, your flight is delayed.” Again, absolutely infuriating, definitely less understandable than a plane issue, but still, you need a pilot to fly a plane. But how is there runway traffic, if we’re already on the runway? Get to the airstrip and go, how hard could it be? It’s a runway, not a parkway (ha get it?) Let’s get this plane in the air. Easily the stupidest excuse for a plane delay.
THOUGHT NUMBER 2: TURBULENCE IS SCARY
A good friend of mine in college brought up a good point and I’ve used this philosophy every single time I have flown since; “Since you can literally do nothing to ensure the outcome, why worry about it. If the plane goes down you can do nothing. If the plane lands safely you can do nothing. So why worry?” Makes a lot of sense, I should probably apply it to a lot of other aspects of life, but when it comes to flying, I do not worry.
Now, that being said… turbulence, is still scary as a mother fucker at times. It’s like the drop ride at the amusement park when your balls feel like they’re in your stomach (ladies you know what I’m talking about,) accept it is not fun at all. I don’t like it when the plane feels like its shaking out of the sky. The only turbulence I like, is that Lil John song (even that is not really that good.)
THOUGHT NUMBER 3: HOW THE FUCK DO PILOTS FLY AT NIGHT?
It is pitch black in the night sky. There are no lights to light up the air, like there are on a highway when you are driving. How the fuck do they see where they are going? I’m sure there is technology to help them or whatever but still, they are literally flying a giant plane through the sky, going hundreds of miles per hour, and you literally only see darkness. That’s wild to me, and I give them a lot of props, considering half of you people can’t even drive when the sun is out.
THOUGHT NUMBER 4: IT IS WILD THAT YOU CAN SEE LIGHTS FROM HOUSES IN THE AIR
We were over 30,000 feet in the air on this flight, and you could still see lights from houses and buildings on the ground. That is bananas. To think a few hundred years ago we were using candles to light our homes. Back then nobody had a cell phone light in their face. Everyone just lived in the moment. And now we can see lights from over 30,000 feet in the sky. Truly unbelievable. Maybe there’s hope for mankind after all.
THOUGHT NUMBER 5: EVERY PLANE SHOULD HAVE WIFI
This is self-explanatory. We are in the 21st century. The earth has been around for 2023 years. We fly in planes all over the world. There should be wifi on the plane. And you shouldn’t have to pay for it either! The flight I was just on, no wifi! Which is why this is coming to you when I land.
THOUGHT NUMBER 6: EVERY PLANE SHOULD HAVE TV’S
Again, self-explanatory. There is no reason we should be having planes without televisions. What are we in, the 1950’s? Did we just start flying? No. Everyone deserves to be able to watch something to pass time on a plane. And listen, we shouldn’t be settling for communal tv’s either. Everyone should have their own tv. YOUR TV, YOUR CHOICE! The flight I was just on, no tv’s, not even communal. Fucking bullshit. Side Note: A guy a few rows ahead of me was watching Broke Back Mountain on a plane once. Little sus… (How did I know if I’ve never seen it? That’s right I’ve never seen it! But, I’ve seen the trailer and DVD Cover. I’VE NEVER SEEN IT THOUGH ALRIGHT JEEZ! That guy was watching it, he was sus not me!)
THOUGHT NUMBER 7: IS THERE ANYTHING WORSE THAN YOUR EARS POPPING?
I hate when my ears pop. It makes me want to cry like a baby on a plane for the first time. But do I cry from the pain of my ears popping? No, I don’t. Because I’m a big strong man! But yeah, we all dread when our ears are about to pop. Apparently if you chew gum it helps, but I always forget to bring gum so I don’t know if that’s true. There is one thing worse than your ears popping though, when one ear pops and the other doesn’t. Oh, my goodness. The horror! It is absolutely brutal and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. (Side note, this is a genuine question so don’t get offended. Do deaf people’s ears pop? If they do, do they hear the popping noise? This is a question I need answered.)
THOUGHT NUMBER 8: NOTHING BETTER THAN NOBODY SITTING NEXT TO YOU!
In my opinion the best part about flying. A packed plane, supposed to be sold out, and all of a sudden, the doors close and nobody is sitting next to you. FUCKING ELECTRIC! Makes the flight 100x better, even if you don’t have WIFI or tv’s. The rush of seeing the late straggler come on and being concerned they are sitting next to you, but then they sit in the row behind you and you get so excited and spread out and just chill. GOLD. GOLD, I SAY! Really makes you love flying. Kick your feet up, relax for a few. You gotta love it. Easily, top 1 feeling. Looking at all the losers around me having to sit next to some stranger! Better luck next time buddy!
THOUGHT NUMBER 9: IS THE SONG AIRPLANES BY B.O.B. A GOOD SONG?
Is it a good song? I’m not so sure (will I sing it every time I hear it? Absolutely.) But when it dropped and I was in 8th grade it was a fucking banger. Heartbroken middle school me, posting on my aim status that I could use a wish right now.
Fucking classic man. The lyrics of this song are kind of hilarious if you think about it. Pretending airplanes in the night sky are shooting stars? LOL! I know one thing for certain though, this song will absolutely NOT be on the timeless song’s playlist. Not now, not eva! Also, when I looked this up, I completely forgot there’s a second version with Eminem. It is so much worse than the original. So much worse.
Well, there you have it. These are my airplane thoughts. It’s still insane to me how we only started flying wooden planes 100 years ago and here we are today. Is it wilder than cruise ships floating on water? I’m not so sure, I’m just glad the delay finished and I’m home to post this now.