In our first world cup match in eight (8) years, the U.S. tied with a country named after a fish (Fun fact Whales are actually mammals, they breathe through their blowholes *pause* but you get my point.) We may as well as been the Whale the way we blew the late lead (lol.) Unacceptable in my opinion! So as a GM on the market I started to monitor our team more closely. Next up the “Big Bad British.” This “soccer superpower” (they are going to be so mad that I didn’t call them a football superpower, but in order to be a football superpower you need to have won a Superbowl!) This country that eats beans for breakfast couldn’t even put up one goal on us! Harry Kane looked like he needed a cane the way he was moving out there. We showed the Brits how America gets shit done, just like it was 1776 BABY!
NO MORE DRAWS
But still, another draw! And now with us having to win against Iran, a draw is just simply not going to cut it! We need to win! That’s why the White House called my phone. I could almost hear the tears running down their face as they said to me “Buttah, you’ve done such a great job with the teams you’ve taken over in the U.S., now it’s time to take this international. Don’t let our boys in red, white, and blue go home early. Save our World Cup hopes. No other GM can do it, show the world it’s really soccer, not football.” I immediately put on my American Flag bandana and said “White House, I’ve got a goal, let’s score a goal!” I swear as I said that fireworks went off and a bald eagle screeched in the background. It was beautiful.
ROSTER CHANGE
Our roster needs a full change, that’s right, an entire rebuild mid tournament. Some may call me a mad man for it, but every move I have made so far has worked (none have worked.) So it’s time to do it again. Offense might sell tickets, but everyone knows Defense wins championships, so let’s start there.
GOALIE
I can think of nobody better to catch/stop balls than a 6x PLATINUM GLOVE AWARD WINNER! That’s right, Nolan Arenado is stepping in to be our goalie. Just think, he’s the best defensive player in the MLB with only one glove, now as a goalie he gets to wear two gloves?!?!?! You simply cannot argue with the logic that he will be even better now. And not to mention, the ball he has to stop is so much bigger than a tiny baseball! I can’t believe nobody thought of this beforehand, but then again not everyone can be as good of a GM as me. NOLAN ARENADO IS OUR GOALIE!
DEFENSE!
Now that we have our goalie locked down, I need three defenders (that’s right I’m playing three (3) back!) I need a mix of speed, as well as toughness to really shake things up. And I have just the guys to come in there and take no shit!
RIGHT BACK
That’s right, give me a *healthy* Mike Trout! There is nobody better to chase down balls than this guy. We’ve seen him do it for years and it is amazing every time. He will get the job done. Trust me he is that guy pal!
CENTER BACK
You thought I wasn’t going to have the best defensive *football* player (haha get it) not playing defense on my team? You must be crazy! Aaron Donald is going to get in there and he is going to move people out of the way to get the ball! He may even sack a player who knows?! But he is a brick wall and nobody will be getting past him. My only concern is how fast he gets thrown out for a red card. But you have to take the good with the bad, and he is the best!
LEFT BACK
I saw this tweet this morning and have not stopped thinking about is since. SGA has been absolutely dominant this year, and Herb Jones locked him up. If he can do that to someone as crafty as SGA than he can do it to a couple of Iranians. I don’t care if he’s young. I don’t care if he’s an unconventional pick! You need that to win games, and Herb will do that for us! I mean just look at this guy.
GENERATIONAL! You know what else is generational? This defense I’ve assembled. I don’t think a goal will be let up all tournament. Now let’s move on to my midfield.
MIDFIELD!
You guessed it, I’m playing three (3) midfielders. These guys will run the show. We need great two-way players here. Tactical on offense, but lock down on defense. People willing to push the pace but also control the game. I like to think of them as my Ying and Yang players, and I know exactly who is running the show.
RIGHT MIDDLE
Now this may be an old stat, but the fact that it was even a stat at one point is insanity. Give me a *healthy* (him and trout are healthy for the tournament case closed) KAWHI LEONARD! This man will be feasting in the midfield. Steal off anyone of your weak ass players Iran! And then he can pass up the field for an easy goal, or take it himself on the break! He is going to make the opposing team’s players a living hell and I love it!
CENTER MIDDLE
GIVE ME THE KING! LEAD OUR U.S. TEAM INTO BATTLE AND COME OUT VICTORIOUS! Lebron has literally said he is a pass first player! He can guard any position with ease! Park him right in the middle and let him go to work. He will control the entire game with the ball at his feet. No look dimesssss for the easy goal. Nothing is getting past him either. 6’9 in the middle of the field?!?! Come on now, it’s a wrap hold the sour cream (its nasty)!
LEFT MIDDLE!
Some may say he is the best two-way guard in the league! (Nobody says this, at least anymore.) I’m going to put Klay on your best forward and have him lock that bum up. Scrub the floor with him. Then I’m going to have him strictly shoot from 35 feet out if not farther. He is going to be on fire from down town and their goalie is going to be able to do nothing about it! Just give Klay the ball and let him heat up. USA might win 75-0. This man once scored 37 points on four dribbles (might be slightly off, not fact checking) he’ll be just fine on a soccer field. That’s the greatest midfield I’ve ever seen, now onto offense!
FORWARDS!
You guessed it. I’m playing three (3) forwards as well! My team will not be stopped. The offense I am about to put up right now is going to be in the words of my sister Gwen Stefani “bananas.”
RIGHT FORWARD
GO GET THAT BALL JUSTIN JEFFERSON! The way this man takes flight, I have Lebron send the ball into the box, Justin Jefferson easy header. Nobody is stopping this man! He is an absolute machine, and unguardable. I have a feeling some 5”7 Iranians are going to have a problem guarding him too. I can put up so many more highlights, Justin Jefferson go get that ball! Can you imagine how amazing it would be to have Justin Jefferson griddy 7 times a day after he scores infinity goals. That would just be spectacular.
CENTER FORWARD
Nobody, and I mean nobody is stopping this man. He is literally going to run all over the field. He can pull it from deep, he can mix and nutmeg everyone, he can shoot it off a penalty kick and turn around before it even goes in because we all know it’s going in. This was probably my easiest pick of the team. Steph Curry will fry everyone like the Chef he is. Case closed.
LEFT FORWARD
A 7’0 MAN THAT CAN DRIBBLE! A 7’0 MAN THAT CAN SHOOT! A 7’0 MAN THAT CAN SCORE! Give me KD. Offensive wizard that people have still not figured out how to contain. He’s going to talk so much shit to the opposing team they will cry and walk off the field. KD is going to dog you and then make you feel bad about it. He’s going to tell Iran they have small nukes just like he told Fournier he was too small.
That’s my offense, absolutely unstoppable. I don’t even think we need another player. I think we’d win a man down, but fair is fair.
MY FUCK IT GUY
Jose Alvarado is my fuck it guy! I am going to let him run around the entire field just doing anything to fuck shit up. He can steal the ball at anytime. He can take fouls from opposing players. He can juste an absolute ruckus. Nothing but frustration for the opposing team with this guy on the pitch.
MY SUBSTITUTES
I thought of this literally as I was writing this blog. Can you imagine how hilarious it would be to watch Derrick Henry run people over on a soccer field. That would be absolutely hilarious. VROOM VROOM TRACTORCITO COMING THROUGH!
I’ll let Pulisic slide and stay on this team but he cannot start. He’ll be a sub and he better start putting the ball in the net or he’ll be getting sent home. “AND DON’T THINK I WONT DO IT.” (That’s my best Kurt Russell as Herb Brooks impression from the movie Miracle, some say the greatest sports movie of all time.)
2022 WORLD CUP CHAMPIONS
Herb said it best, the rest of the world’s time is over. The U.S. is here to dominate soccer as well. With these changes I have delivered a World Cup trophy back to where it belongs. It’s truly remarkable how good of a GM I am. Get the parade started, pop the confetti because the trophy is coming home! All the other countries can cry about it. USA! USA! USA!
