All Rise. We are gathered here today to settle the debate once and for all. Elf and Home Alone are two of the greatest Christmas movies of all time. They might even be number one and number two. If you do not have them in your top 5 Christmas movies you genuinely deserve coal for Christmas. But now it is time to come to a decision on a case that has gone on for decades now. Which has a more realistic chance of happening; Buddy the Elf setting up Gimbel’s Toy Store overnight, or Kevin McCallister booby trapping his house in the few hours before the Wet Bandits came to rob it?
BUDDY THE ELF
Buddy is a terrible Elf. He built 15 toys in one day when all the other elves built 1,000. It’s a Christmas miracle that he wasn’t fired. He said it himself; he is a cotton headed ninny muggins. So, the argument that since he is an elf which means he could get the job done, just doesn’t suffice. The only thing Buddy has going for him is he has a significant more amount of time than Kevin McCallister. You figure the store closes at 9 and opens at 9. But let’s remember Buddy does not have the full 12 hours. His coworker Jovie comes in early to shower. That has to be at least an hour before the opening shift which would probably be at 8. So, if she’s in at 7 (it might be earlier) that knocks Buddy’s time down to 10 hours. Is that really enough time for a subpar Elf?
Let’s go over everything Buddy did in that 10 hours and see if he actually could get the job done. He cut up enough paper snowflakes to cancel school. He wrapped the poles in lights. He took the stuffing out of pillows to make it look like real snow. He put the Mona Lisa in an etchy-sketch. He put mini lights on black frames to spell out Santa Clause. And last but certainly not least, he built an entire skyline out of Legos. Now maybe he’s able to do everything else in that 12 hours, just maybe. But I am calling bullshit on the Legos. Now I’m not a Lego guy, but I know it takes people months to build Lego stuff. And you’re telling me he did it all in one night? I’m just not too sure about that. I guess we’ll just have to call it Christmas magic.
KEVIN McCALLISTER
I am sorry, but there is no way an eight-year-old Kevin McCallister gets the job done. It is already dark out when he starts planning to set up the house. So you figure it’s 5:00 and I’m being generous. That means he has a maximum of four hours to booby trap the house. And before he booby traps the house he creates a blueprint map of everything he needs to do. That alone takes up like 45 minutes to an hour. Now we’re down to three hours and he hasn’t even gotten started yet? Not happening, no way.
Little eight-year-old Kevin has to set up the cars one by one. He also has to set up the ornaments one by one. Both take a lot of time. Aside from that he has to heat up the door knob, freeze the steps in the front and back of the house. Put tar, and a nail on the basement steps. Set up the paint cans. Set up the escape route to the tree house. Get the feathers out of the pillow, put the sticky glue on the door, and set up the fan. And finally, he has to set up the iron. Now I know Kevin can clearly handle his own. He is definitely a braver eight-year-old than I was, and probably smarter too. But to be able to think of all that, then map it out, to then set it up in that little time is just insufficient. Not even Santa could do it, and there is no Christmas magic here, Kevin is no elf.
THE VERDICT
Even though I’m still skeptical that Buddy could get the job done, I have to give him the win here. He was a subpar elf, but he was still an elf. Time is on his side, and it is not on Kevin’s. Buddy has the more realistic chance of getting his store set up. Even though kids are creative, Buddy is part elf, so he is an expert in all things Christmas. I’m glad we could settle this debate and crown the one true victor. Sidenote, this is not even the most unrealistic thing from both movies. Do you want to know what is?
You’re telling me that on Christmas Eve, kids are watching the news? THE NEWS? Absolutely not. That is preposterous. Kids are watching Christmas movies, or their favorite cartoon’s Christmas episode. They are certainly not watching the news. Even if there was a chance at a Santa sighting, kids would not be watching. Do you want to know why? Because in order to know about the Santa sighting, they would have had to have been watching the news! That’s less realistic than Kevin getting his house set up in time. Just jingles my bells every time I watch it. Buddy gets the win case closed.
