In this world you either have it or you don’t. Luckily, I have it. I have what it takes to be the greatest GM the sports world has ever seen. I’ve fixed numerous NBA Teams, I fixed USA soccer, I even fixed the New York Mets. And now, you come to me on the day Wednesday January 11th, and you bring me the task of creating the greatest offense the NFL has ever seen with only $12? I would say challenge excepted but for a GM like me this is easier than cracking an egg. I’ve already taken a look at this list and to assemble the greatest offensive team of all time, I don’t even need any $5 players. You are about to watch the Nick Fury of GM’s assemble the Avengers of football.
POSITION # 1 WIDE RECEIVER
An absolute no brainer. Pack Jerry Rice stat padding ass up and get him the fuck out of here. Give me Randy Moss at $4 in probably the easiest decision I have ever had. Randy Moss on the Patriots made me root for the Patriots when he was there. I even had his jersey! And I was a Giants fan! But he was that incredible, and that was past his prime. Watching highlights of him from his early Vikings days, he really was just that dude. He was unguardable. To this day if you catch a touchdown over the defender, it’s still referred to as getting “Mossed.” Gee I wonder who that could be after? But your goat is named after a tiny grain of wheat? Disgusting. Couldn’t be me. Couldn’t be my goat, the goat! Randy Moss at $4 done deal.
POSITION # 2 TIGHT END
Another absolutely no brainer. How Gronk is not at the $5 is beyond me. He is straight up, an all-around better tight end then Tony Gonzalez. If he did not get hurt, a lot less of Tony Gonzalez records would be standing today. (Not to mention Gronk broke his touch down record, as well as others in way less games and with all those injuries.) But I can deal with Gronk’s injuries. I just want the best overall player. I’m giving my quarterback a fast, strong, dominant, great rout running, great blocking, tight end? No, I’m giving him the greatest tight end. You’d be a fool not to choose Gronk at the bargain of $4 here. Especially when he’d normally go for $69 (ha!)
POSITION 3: RUNNING BACK
This is probably the toughest decision I’ve had while drafting this all-time great team. Adrian Peterson is the greatest running back I’ve ever seen. His greatness literally made me a Vikings fan for a few years. He was just that good. Watching him almost break Dickerson’s single season rushing record was much watch television every single week. He’s an all-time great. How he’s below Emmitt Smith is beyond me because that guy actually sucked. Adrian Peterson was an animal. And I LOVE him for a $1. They say you should never pay a running back; well, I’m barely paying for one as it is! Give me AP for $1 and watch him run circles around your defense!
The only other option here is Barry Sanders at the $3 (I admit this could be another correct option.) Barry is arguably the greatest running back of all time. (Probably the greatest.) How he is only $3 and not $5 is absolutely stupid. A ridiculous bargain. But he did retire in his prime. Don’t know how committed to the team he is going to be for the long haul. GIVE ME AP! I wasn’t alive to watch Barry’s greatness, I was alive to watch AP’s! I LOVE HIM IN MY BACK FIELD! (I was old enough to watch Barry’s highlights though… that boy nice.)
POSITION 4: QUARTERBACK
Another tremendously easy pick for the value. Peyton Manning at $3?!?!? I will take the Sheriff all day every day. First of all, “The Sheriff” is a very underrated nickname. Very cool. Matches the coolness my team has going all around right off the bat. Secondly, Peyton is arguably the 2nd best quarterback on this list. He holds every NFL record that wasn’t broken by Tom Brady (this is not true but I’m sure it’s closer than you think.) With a ginormous head like that you know he has a lot of knowledge in that brain. He will read the defense and lead this team to flawless victory.
This is a no brainer; I’m trying to go through reasons to persuade you and I don’t even think I need to. It’s just so blatantly obvious. You can’t deny his skill at all, but if you try to, I would love to have Peyton on my team for no other reason than this right here:
Amazing. Absolutely amazing. (Side note: if I took Barry over AP, I’d have to take Rogers over Peyton. ((Ew, Gross, We don’t like thatttttt!)) Give me AP and Peyton, better combo!) (Side note Side note: If Patrick Mahomes was on this list instead of Rogers that would be the easiest pick on this list. I’d take him for $1 and tell you to KEEP THE CHANGE YA FILTHY ANIMAL!)
GREATEST OFFENSE OF ALL TIME
Well, there you have it. That’s the greatest offensive core in NFL history. If you have any other combination I’m sorry to say you’re wrong. (I’m not sorry) Not to mention I brought it together for just 12 dollars. Greatest GM ever? Some people are saying that I am. I keep this core together for years to come? The amount of Super Bowl Wins is endless. So, any NFL team out there, take this as experience on my resumé, so I can bring you the greatest team ever, and more rings than you can count, all on a budget. You’re welcome in advance.
