You’re never going to believe this, but I was let go. That’s right, they made me pack up my things and hit the road! Who is “they” you ask? “They” is the hypothetical all time offensive core I built yesterday. You’d be happy to know that team ended up winning 8 super bowls in a row thanks to me. But when I asked for an extension “They” said they couldn’t pay me. Unbelievable. But I’ve found a new home. I am not the GM of “Them.” And I’ve been tasked with stopping the offense I created! I didn’t know how I’d be able to do it, but then I thought about my hero, and what he would do in this situation…
Now I knew what I must do. I needed to lock up the greatest offense ever created. And I AM going to assemble the greatest defense the NFL had ever seen to do it. This was a much harder job to do than building the offense and we will discuss some hypotheticals. Offense may sell tickets, but everyone knows it’s really DEFENSE that wins championships!
POSITION # 1 LINEBACKER
By far the easiest pick of this team. If he was $12, I would’ve taken him by himself and just had a 1-man core. Nobody is coming close to Lawrence Taylor. The Greatest Defensive player the NFL has ever seen (I could say arguably but there’s really no argument.) The man won two Superbowl’s, won three defensive player of the year awards, and is the last defensive player to win the NFL MVP award almost FORTY (40) years ago. One of the most feared men to ever step on the field. He would hire escorts to the opposing team’s hotel rooms so they wouldn’t be ready to play come Sunday. THAT’S A MAN WHO WANTS TO WIN! Absolute no brainer to lead my defense. Everything from here on out became a difficult decision, this was not.
POSITION # 2 DEFENSIVE BACK
This decision may have me tossing and turning at night. But ultimately the value puts me in a much better position for the rest of my defensive core. I wanted Deion, I really did, but at $5 it just ties me up at the other positions too much. Also, Charles Woodson is no scrub, and to get him for $1 is an absolute steal. Taking candy from a baby some may say! Charles Woodson is a Super Bowl Champion (he would have two if not for that stupid “Tuck Rule” nonsense.) He’s a top 10 defensive back of all time and he also won a defensive player of the year.
He’s also a 9-time pro bowler and a member of the NFL’s all-2000’s team. Not to mention he has a statue in Canton. He will put the clamps on Randy (probably not but my defensive line is going to give the QB no time anyway.) Yeah, I’ll actually sleep just fine, this is starting to seem like a no brainer too. ESPECIALLY FOR $1
POSITION # 3 DEFENSIVE END
The single reason I did not take Deion for $5. JJ Watt for $2 has me looking like I should’ve been on the heist team in Oceans 11. Did you know JJ Watt also won 3 defensive player of the year awards? (He’s only 1 of 3 players to ever do it and I’ve got 2 of 3 so far.) Did you know that he won 3 of them in a 4-year time frame? That is a ridiculous level of dominance. Like almost unheard-of level of dominance. That’s a Mount Everest type Peak. $2 is just too much of a bargain to not take. You’re telling me he’s coming off the edge and LT is my linebacker who can also rush the QB? Yeah, it’s a wrap.
If I decided to go Deion at $5 that would mean I get Strahan for $1. Another huge bargain which is exactly what made this decision so tough. Single season sack record, Super Bowl champ, and a defensive player of the year? Not to mention he has 40 more sacks than JJ (I don’t think the gap is as large if JJ doesn’t miss some years with injury. Who knows, maybe JJ even surpasses Strahan’s totals. We will deal with JJ’s injuries and we will be okay.) This is the real decision that will keep me up at night, but alas JJ has 3 defensive player of the year awards in 4 years. That’s just stupid. I need that kind of stupidity on my team, which is why it’s the smart move.
POSITION # 4 DEFENSIVE TACKLE
Come on mannnnnnnn! You didn’t think I was going to leave the only other guy with 3 defensive player of the year awards in NFL history off my team did you? He also won 3 of them in a 4-year span. I literally have the most dominant defensive line in history! History! How can you double team Aaron Donald with JJ Watt coming off the edge? You can’t! How can double JJ with Aaron right over your center? You can’t? How can you try and double Aaron and JJ with the best defensive player in history, Lawrence Taylor, lurking and coming for your quarterback? YOU CAN’T! Your run game is going to be nonexistent with these two up front. And your pass game? You think your QB will have any time in the pocket at all?!?!? The man literally trains with KNIVES!!!
GREATEST DEFENSE OF ALL TIME
This defense that I have assembled will make the 86 Bears (considered the greatest defensive team ever) look like a pop warner team. No offense in NFL history will have anything for this defense, including the offense I assembled yesterday. I wouldn’t be surprised if offenses finished games with negative yards in every category. Charles Woodson locking down your best receivers like white on rice. I’ll have JJ and Aaron run a stunt, spin, switch, bull rush, every single play so you will either be sacked or your running back stopped before the line of scrimmage. And honestly, I’ll let LT do whatever the fuck he wants because he’s the greatest defensive player ever and he will straight up fuck up your day in any type of way he chooses.
So, there you have it. The greatest GM sports as a whole has ever seen has done it again. The greatest defense in NFL history, I predict they win 10 super bowls. I’m just going to come out and say it, this defense could defend the U.S. from war better than the army! That’s how good it is. And I did it with mere chump change again! Not to mention I used a $5 player this time, and still had $1 remaining! Is your team in trouble? May be time you think to give me a call…
