The best time of the year is here. No, I’m not talking about the sun staying out later. No, I’m not talking about the weather getting nicer. No, I’m not talking about finally getting to wear shorts with hoodies. I’m talking about the NBA playoffs. This is setting up to be one of the most exciting playoffs we’ve had in like 10 years. It is WIDEEEEEE open. The West is absolute madness. The East has some juggernauts but I can see things getting very interesting there too. GET FUCKING EXCITED!!! I am here today to tell you who will be getting out of the play in, and who will be winning their first-round matchups. And while this is not betting advice, I am here to tell you; I am never wrong. (You can fact check this if you want, results may vary.) Either way, let’s get started.
EAST PLAY IN GAMES!
The Heat/Hawks game is going on as I write this, and I for one am shocked. The Hawks are kicking the heats ass. I originally was going to pick the Heat but this has me thinking otherwise. I don’t even think the Heat make it out of the play in this year now! I’m tired of them. They’ve been a sorry team all year long. Haslem getting tight and trying to hype them up all year long as they get their ass kicked. I feel like I’ve seen these graphics 100 times this year;
Pack your bags Heat. Summer time is starting early in Miami. As far as the second game goes, is it crazy to me to think the Bulls pull off the upset. DeMar comes back and beats the team that traded him before winning a ring to eliminate them from the playoffs. I think the Raptors are frauds. And I think they get bounced. And then the Bulls will beat the Heat because the Heat are sorry. Pat Bev pounces on sorry teams like that. He’ll get in Jimmy and Tyler’s head (Jimmy’s a fake tough guy.) And I think Lavine just puts the Heat away. Hawks, Bulls coming out of the Play ins.
WEST PLAY IN GAMES
The Lakers are going all the way again this year. So, they very easily win against the Timberwolves. Are the Timberwolves better without Gobert? Probably. Does that make me more nervous for tonight? No. Even though everyone should be an Anthony Edwards fan because he is fantastic. Lakers with a light dub.
The Thunder will beat the Pelicans because Zion is softer than baby shit and is sitting out on his team when they need him again. Brandon Ingram can’t do it all himself. The Thunder get the job done, but ultimately will lose to the Wolves and get bounced. The next great one Anthony Edwards handles business. Lakers, Wolves coming out of the Play Ins.
Now that the Play Ins are set, let’s go through our first-round match ups. A lot of great series going down. I will predict how fast they end as well as the winner. Don’t forget I am the greatest GM this game has ever seen, so I have an eye for these sorts of things. Let’s start with the East.
EASTERN CONFERENCE ROUND 1
BUCKS V. BULLS
The Bucks are the overall one seed, so they get the lowest seeded Bulls. Here is how I think this series will go:
Nobody is stopping this man. Nobody. The Bucks are too much for the Bulls and it is in very dominating fashion. Give me the Bucks in four, need I say more? Will the Bulls even score? Sure, but the Bucks will score more. (Greatest rapper alive.) Bucks clean sweep. 4-0.
CELTICS V. HAWKS
I hate Boston, so fucking much. I can’t stand them. I also hate the Hawks, and Trey Young’s stupid lollipop on the rug ass hair.
I also fucking hate Marcus Smart, probably more than anyone. He is a cornball, and he flops. Not worthy of defensive player of the year. He’s another fake tough guy. And Dejounte Murray is another super cornball who I hate. If I could root for both teams to lose I would, but I can’t. Jason Tatum cool (even though he went to Duke) and I just think the Celtics overpower the Hawks. Celtics in 6.
76ERS V. NETS
Joel Embiid should not win MVP. But the sixers will win this series. Even though the Nets ended up being better without KD, Kyrie, and Harden, they still have bum ass Ben Simmons on the team. Guy can’t even help his team out against his old team, but we knew that. Even if he was healthy, he wouldn’t play. He’s soft. Only way Nets win is if Harden goes ghost and Embiid has to do it all. But I think Harden usually saves it for later rounds. Embiid is too nice. 76ers in 5. But I do hope I see a few of these Mikal Bridges three-point celebrations.
KNICKS V. CAVALIERS
Fuck Donovan Mitchell! I stated back early on that we never should have traded for him. He gets 30 points on 35 shots, terrible field goal percentage. He’s a liability on defense and we would’ve had to give up everyone for him. WE DID NOT NEED HIM! JULIUS RANDLE, JALEN BRUNSON, AND OUR SAVIOR RJ BARRETT ARE GOING TO TAKE US TO THE PROMISED LAND! Knicks pull off the upset and send the Cavs home crying in 6! Cry about it Stephen A! Cry about it Richard Jefferson! Cry about it Cavaliers fans! Hit the damn music!
WESTERN CONFERENCE ROUND 1
NUGGETS V. TIMBERWOLVES
Let me tell you something. I think the Nuggets are frauds. And in my heart, in my heart, I’d love to pick the Timberwolves. But I don’t know if the Nuggets are that fraudulent to lose in the first round. Jokic is amazing. Truly incredible to watch. And I love when he gets in everyone’s face. Not a guy to fuck with. Jamal is phenomenal as well too. But I don’t know, I just feel like they choke in the playoffs. Fuck it. Give me KERMIT WILTS (you know who that is if you watched the movie Hustle) and the Timberwolves! Kermit is just too good. Nuggets all time choke job. They choke on nuggets (ha!) Timberwolves in 6.
GRIZZLIES V. LAKERS
It is time to shut Dillon Brooks and the Grizzlies up. I am on the record and known as a Ja Morant hater. I take pride in it. I cannot wait to see the Grizzlies cry as Lebron and Ad run it up on them. THEY HAVE NOTHING FOR THE KING AND THE BROW! DILLON BROOKS IS A FRAUD! JA MORANT IS A FRAUD! THE GRIZZLIES ARE FRAUDS! Aquaman (Steven Adams) not playing, he can’t save the Grizzlies from Shannon Sharpe this time! Give me the Lakers in 4. I will follow my king into any battle and we will come out victorious!
KINGS V WARRIORS
This is going to be the toughest match up of the first round in either conference. The Warriors are the defending champs but they suck on the road. The Kings have been phenomenal this year, but they are young and are going up against the seasoned vet defending champs. I am on the record as a Steph Curry hater and a Warrior hater (even though I like Klay.) And I take pride in hating all of them. But I feel like if I chose against them, it would be emotional. Do the defending champs get bounced in the first round? Yes, they do. The road woes are too much for the Warriors. Kings in 7. Light the mother fuckin Beam!
SUNS V. CLIPPERS
Remember how I just said the Kings, Warriors would be the toughest match up for the first round? I lied. Suns, Clippers is going to be tremendous. Kawhi v. KD is an all-time, all-time matchup! If KD is healthy do things go different in 2019? I’m not sure! But we’ll get to see it now. I would love to see the Suns get bounced because Devin Booker is a pussy and Chris Paul is a mega pussy flopper. But I also fucking hate the Clippers, like with a burning passion. Even since the lob city days. They’re just an annoying team and I can’t stand them. Another series built on hatred; I love it. I thrive on the negativity. Both teams cannot lose. So therefore…
Give me the Clippers! Fuck you KD, I’m still not over you joining a 73-9 team! Clippers in 6! And then the Lakers finally get redemption after losing the last 10 times! I LOVE IT! What a first round it’s going to be. We’ll run this back at the start of the second round. Let me know if you think I got anything wrong. Here’s a hint though, I didn’t.
