It’s the most wonderful timeeeeeeee of the year. No, it’s not Christmas. But it sure does feel like Christmas. The NBA playoffs are here and for the first time in years it feels like the first round is going to be an absolute bloodbath. And I for one am here for it.
Now I know the greatest GM the sport has ever seen (me, myself and I) has been on a bit of a hiatus this season (that’s on me everyone, I am sorry, but I’m back now.) And I’m here to give you the *CORRECT* first round predictions. I know what some of you are going to say, some games have already happened, the prediction might be slightly favored at this time. And to that I would say,
First of all, even with people winning game one, you still can’t predict the future (unless you’re me of course, the greatest GM the league has ever seen.) And secondly, the teams that won game one, I predicted to win of course (this is a fact, not an opinion of course.) But enough of the hogwash, let’s get into round 1.
EASTERN CONFERENCE ROUND 1
CAVS VS. MAGIC
Ah yes, the series that absolutely nobody gives a shit about besides their respective fan bases. Adam Silver made the right decision making this the NBATV series, he knew not to waste our time. That being said, even though the Cavs are soft as baby poop, I do think they win this series. Orlando is still a little young and inexperienced. They will have to go through these growing pains in order to become battle tested for the playoffs in the future. Its always fuck the Cavs, but its Cavs in 5.
KNICKS VS. 76ERS
THIS ALL I GOT TO SAY! THIS ALLLL I GOT TO SAYYYYYYYYY! Jalen Brunson, the Messiah of the Meca, has his worst game all year and we still beat big bad Philadelphia???? Fuck out of here. Brunson really shot 8-26 from the field and Philly couldn’t even steal this game. What a shame.
LOL. Deuce really said hold his deuce (two) nuts. Not to mention Josh Hart is hitting 3’s to close out games in the playoffs again… where have I seen this before?
76ers players doing a lot of shit talking too I might add, about this being the easier match up. I’ll be sure to include that in the first-round recap after the Knicks smoke them. I’ll give credit where credit is due though, this was disgusting.
IDGAF THOUGHHHHHHH! KNICKS IN 6.
CELTICS VS. HEAT
It’s so sad that the Celtics are really going to have a cake walk to the Eastern Conference Finals, while the Knicks are going to have to go through hell and back to get there. Celtics versing a Jimmy Butlerless Heat and then either Indiana or Milwaukee. A joke of two playoff series for them really. It would be hilarious if they get eliminated in the first round by the heat. But I only see that happening if the Heat have Jimmy, which they don’t of course. As I’m literally writing this blog right now the Celtics are up 17 before the half.
Celtics in 5.
I changed my mind. Pack it up Heat Culture. Worst fan base in the league, with the worst memes. Celtics in 4.
PACERS VS. BUCKS
Could be another snooze fest, I’m not sure. People trying to make this into a rivalry because the Pacers took Giannis 50-point game ball.
I’m sorry I just don’t buy it. Not to mention Giannis might be out for the first few games. I would hate for the Pacers to advance though, which is why they won’t. I will simply block them from winning with my aura, something Tyrese Haliburton has nothing of. (Call me Wally Szcerbiak Jr.)
But seriously, fuck Haliburton, how he made Team USA over Brunson is absolutely horrendous, but we’ll get into this in another blog. Bucks in 7.
WESTERN CONFERENCE ROUND 1
SUNS VS. TIMBERWOLVES
ANTHONY EDWARDS CAN DO NO WRONG! ANTHONY EDWARDS IS MY SUPERHERO! ANTHONY EDWARDS FUTURE FACE OF THE LEAGUE! God this was so fucking awesome. Anthony Edwards going absolutely nuclear against his favorite player of all time is exactly what the playoffs is about. Talk that shit Ant! Talk that shit!
(Keep the sound off when you watch that.) But wow. Basketball purity. True bucket getter. Devin Booker is a fraud, been saying this for years. How he made the USA roster over Brunson is an atrocity. Might be my favorite series this first round after the Knicks series. Wolves in 6.
NUGGETS VS. LAKERS
You know even though the Lakers lost game one, I really think they did something. They figured something out. They should take that as a win.
Same nonsense people were saying last year, is resurfacing again. “It was the closest sweep of all time.” IT WAS STILL A SWEEP! What do people be smoking really, cause I need some of it. This is probably my least favorite series after the Cavs Magic because unfortunately my king is going home again. Lebron I’m so sorry! You don’t deserve this! Nuggets in 5. Don’t believe me? Look at this stat. Absolutely absurd. This is the only series I hope I’m wrong about.
MAVERICKS VS. CLIPPERS
Kawhi aside, Luka is the clippers daddy. He has been for a while. I cannot wait for Kyrie and Luka to absolutely torch these dudes. Russ, Harden, PG, Kawhi, Steve Ballmer, and all the Clippers fans going out SADDDDDDD! Might be my favorite series of the first round besides the Knicks series. MAVS IN 6.
THUNDER VS. PELICANS
I’m not going to lie to you, I was kind of hoping the Kings beat the Pelicans. I thought they had a better chance to actually beat the Thunder in round 1. Pelicans without Zion don’t scare anybody. Its incredibly soft of Zion to be sitting out due to a hamstring injury. (I say as I write blogs sitting on my couch.) Seriously though how do you even injure your hamstring playing basketball? I feel like I only ever here about it in baseball. How do you go from dropping 40 to not playing in the playoffs to help your team. That’s not what a pro wants Zion, that’s not even what a pro needs!
Even though the commercial is terrible, the team is not. The Thunder are young, but nobody needs experience to get past the Pelicans, I’m sorry it’s the truth. Thunder in 6.
