Halloween has come and gone which means spooky season is over. If you get ghosted now you can’t blame it on the holiday. The decorations are no longer haunted but checking your bank account after a night out always will be. The houses are no longer scary but Sundays always will be. The costumes are gone but you’re still a clown! I crack myself up, like a skeleton losing a bone. Alright that’s enough of that, we’re here to discuss the winners and losers of this Halloween season.
Winner: Chocolate
Chocolate is superior to Candy. This is the ranking of chocolates you should be snagging on Halloween;
- Twix.
Twix reign supreme on Halloween. There is just something about the cookie style bread covered in caramel and chocolate in the crisp cool air of Halloween night. You can’t beat it. Will I get a left one or a right one? It doesn’t matter because when you get this chocolate, you’ve got the right one.
- Reese’s
Normally this is everyone’s number one, and overall, it may be better than Twix. I’m the biggest sucker for chocolate and peanut butter as everyone else, not to mention some are pumpkin or bat shaped which is like, oh wow. But you know you’re going to get a lot of Reese’s at houses. Twix are rarer which is why they’re higher on the list.
- Snickers
There are some snickers haters out there, and those haters would be wrong. How could you go wrong with peanuts and nougat in Chocolate? You can’t! Snickers is far superior to Milky Way and 3 Musketeers so miss me with that nonsense. And as a bonus sometimes Snickers comes with a “dick vein.” They say that makes it taste even better (pause!)
If you got chocolate on Halloween, but you didn’t get any of these 3 then you may be a loser instead of a winner. I don’t make the rules, I’m just the messenger.
Loser: Candy
Candy is okay but chocolate has the better selection. This unfortunately makes candy the loser. What are you as a grown man doing licking a lollipop? (I used to be hyped when I got Jolly Rancher lollipops though!) Oh, are you going to eat a banana laffy taffy? Oh, is it so good are you stretching it out to eat it? Ha Ha, grow up! If I was trick or treating, which to be clear I was not! Then I would be on the hunt for these candies;
- Sour Patch Kids
The Goat of Candy. Plain and simple. If I’m getting candy, it better be sour patch kids. Nothing else to say here, Sour, Sweet, Gone.
- Swedish Fish
If you don’t like Swedish fish, you probably were mad I said almond joys aren’t a good candy or you think the McRib is good. No taste! Swedish fish are fire!
- Twizzlers
This is going to get a lot of people mad, but Twizzlers are a good candy. Easy 3rd place choice. And on Halloween you get the different types, the long skinny one, or the short fat one (get your mind out of the gutter.) Both equally as good.
Winner: The Kids Who Trick or Treated At This Guy’s House
Talk about a treat! Eat an edible so you get so high you get scared, but everything is already scary since its Halloween so you’re in the clear. Then when you’re less scared you’re going to be hungry and bam, you have all this Halloween candy to eat. Truly an experience every kid should get to have.
Loser: The Guy Who Gave Kids Weed Gummies
I mean come on dude. This is something your parents tell you as kids. You think it’s just a story, like come on Mom and Dad you’re so lame. But this clown actually did it. This is something out of a cartoon right now. What an idiot. I can only laugh at how stupid this guy is. I’d probably laugh more if I was eating one of his gummies though.
Winner: Mariah Carey
Apparently, All I Want for Christmas Is You has already crept back into the Billboard top 100. I’m not surprised, it does every year at this time. But it’s still too early! I hate that we skip right over Thanksgiving (I guess that would make Thanksgiving a loser, even though it very well might be the best holiday.) And if we’re being completely honest it’s not even the best Christmas song! What is the best Christmas song you ask? We’ll discuss that during Christmas time, which it is not! But still a win is win.
Loser: My Brothers Candy Stash (So in A Way, Me)
My brothers candy stash was lackluster to say the least this year. Guy got barely any Twix, that’s strike one! Guy got a bunch of regular M&M’s (these are his favorite but I told him I was taking some of his stash so what am I supposed to do with this?) that’s strike two. Guy only came home with half a book bag full of candy, that’s strike three! My mom told me this kid was just skipping houses! Skipping houses?!? We’d be hitting houses multiple times. Taking more than one piece from the bowl that said only take one, just like this kid.
Honestly, if this kid was my brother I’d be set. Swimming in Halloween Candy until I was ready to overload my plate for Thanksgiving! But what can I say, you win some you lose some and I lost.
