Dear Santa,
All I want for Christmas is for the New York Mets to sign Jacob DeGrom, Edwin Diaz, Aaron Judge, Trea Turner, Taijuan Walker, and everyone else worth naming! It doesn’t matter if it’s for $2.5 billion dollars, Uncle Stevey’s good for it!!!!!!! The Wilbon’s held us back for years, those cheap fucks! Not anymore Mets fans. Rejoice! The year is looking brighter than ever! None of this of course has happened yet, and who knows if it will (I’d say we’re lucky if one of these things happens.) Just imagine all of these guys in the orange and blue, a beautiful site. This is our best-case scenario, this is our big white, orange, and blue whale, this is our Moby Dick! Worst case scenario you ask? Darin Ruf is our center fielder next year.
We need the Mets to make a big splash in this free agency. The way our season combusted in flames down the stretch is something us Mets fans are all too familiar with. Let’s go through what the Mets top priorities should be this free agency. We’ve already picked up Danny Bag O’ Donuts (Daniel Vogelbach) player option which was a top priority (not really.) So, what’s next?
Priority # 1: Pitching
Pitching! Pitching! Pitching! Of our current starting rotation, 3 pitchers have opted out. The best pitcher in baseball Jacob DeGrom, a solid middle rotation guy Taijuan Walker, and Mr. I Can’t Pitch in New York, Chris Bassitt.
Chris Bassitt clearly wasn’t a fan of playing under the bright lights. We don’t need anyone who’s afraid of the big moment. Chris clearly was as he shit the bed against Atlanta and then shit everywhere else against San Diego. Guy really puts the “ass” in Bassitt am I right? Let him walk the money could be used better elsewhere. Don’t believe me, here’s another one of his whines about New York.
In the words of the great Ari Gold…
As far as Taijuan I think we should resign him, for the right price. I don’t think he needs to be overpaid whatsoever. If there is a team that’s going to break the bank over him, then I wish him all the best. There are other pitchers who are free agents that we can sign in his place (I genuinely have no idea what pitchers are free agents and am hoping for the best here.)
Now that brings us to the one and only… GIVE JACOB DEGROM THE BRINKS TRUCK! I DO NOT CARE IF WE OVERPAY HIM. HE IS THE ONE GUY WHO DESERVES TO BE OVERPAID. I AM TYPING IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS TO REPRESENT ME YELLING! PAY THE MAN! HE IS A UNICORN ON THE MOUND. SHORT HAIR, LONG HAIR IT DOESN’T MATTER THEY COME UP TO BAT AND JACOB SITS THEM DOWN! PAY THE MAN! DON’T LET HIM WALK TO ATLANTA OR TEXAS! GIVE HIM THE 4 YEARS. WE KNOW IF HE GOES ELSEWHERE, HE WILL NEVER GET INJURED AND WILL DESTROY THE METS. HOPEFULLY HIS INJURIES ARE DONE NOW (who am I kidding if he stays a Met he will always be injured, it’s just the way it goes.) LOSE BASSITT AND TAIJUAN IT DOES NOT MATTER. KEEP BASEBALL JESUS IN THE ORANGE AND BLUE! I MEAN JUST LOOK AT THAT SMILE! (It just came out he has some interest in the Rangers. My tears are hitting the keyboard.)
Priority 2: Big Bats
It is no secret that the Mets need another big bat to take some heat off Lindor and Alonso. Obviously, our moves at the trade deadline this year did not pan out as we had hoped (Darin Ruf you useless fuck!) (Danny Bag O’ Donuts you weren’t much better down the stretch either!) So, who fits the criteria?
I can think of no better big bat than the 6’7” (I looked that up, look at me) who just broke the home run record! (He didn’t break the home run record you bunch of sissy’s! Barry Bonds has the home run record. And that’s final!) Still 62 home runs in one season and a franchise record are incredible. He wouldn’t have to travel far for free agency, just come to the better borough, to the team with the better colors. It’s simple Aaron. The gap from going to the Yankees to the Mets would be smaller than the gap you got closed in your teeth. Apparently, Uncle Stevey doesn’t want to get into a bidding war with Hal Steinbrenner. Why, I have no idea. Uncle Stevey should just say fuck that guy because he can’t even compete with Uncle Stevey’s bank account. Right now, the Giants are the front runners but I wouldn’t be surprised if the Miracle Mets pull something off!
Other Big Bats We Should Look to Sign If We Don’t Sign Aaron
- Trea Turner- Apparently, he’s rumored to join the Phillies which makes me want to kill myself. He would be a great pick up for our team. Where would we put him? I don’t know. I’m assuming 2nd since Lindor is at Short and McNeil plays outfield full time (this plays since we’re probably losing Nimmo.) He’d really beef up our line up (pause) and watching him do that cool slide every night would be awesome.
- Josh Bell- We should’ve traded for him at this deadline and he ended up killing us in the wild card. Let’s bring him in to strictly DH and have that big lefty at bat in our lineup.
- Jose Abreu- Not a lefty but a big bat to stick in the middle of our lineup. Let him DH and hit some bombs in the Citi (see what I did there?).
- Trey Mancini- I know he struggled in the World Series but we should have had him at the deadline and didn’t. Good bat that we could add to the lineup and if we lose Nimmo and don’t sign Judge we can stick him in the outfield. I like the move, you should too.
Priority 3: Relief Pitching
WE JUST SIGNED THE BEST CLOSER IN BASEBALL! EDWIN MF DIAZ IS STAYING IN NY BABY! This is the exact move we needed to kick off our free agency. Keep the best closer in baseball in NY baby. $100 million dollars, largest contract for a closer in MBL history (I think, not checking though.) Not a problem for Uncle Stevey! Have some of his fuck you money because he don’t give a fuck!
Side note, is that the greatest episode in SpongeBob history? (It just might be.) Our closer is locked up for the next 5 years. YOU LOVE TO SEE THAT! As for other relievers, I don’t give a shit. Find some that are free agents and did well, and sign them. We already got our guy, now we just have to set him up. Anyone can do that!!! (No, they can’t, a lot actually suck, but we’ll find someone, I hope.)
Priority 4: Free Agents to Stay Away From!
The Mets have a long history of signing bad free agents to bad contracts. I don’t need to remind anyone of the Bobby Bonilla, or Jason Bay contracts do I? No, no let’s not talk about that. But we must learn from our history or it will repeat itself! So here is who we should be actively avoiding:
- Justin Turner- When I saw these rumors swirling, I wanted to throw up. Let the past be the past. We do not need a reunion! I can’t see how he helps us more than any of the *younger* players we discussed earlier. Keep that man 3,000 miles away. He sucked for us once, he’ll suck for us again. Why don’t we turn away from Justin Turner am I right?
- Gary Sanchez- Absolutely not. No. He can’t handle New York, keep him away from here.
- Joey Gallo- NO! Don’t even need a reason just no.
- Michael Conforto- I’m sorry, WHAT?!?!?!?! I don’t like this. I wanted to keep Conforto originally, but then he turned down the deal and stunk up his final season more than Chris (B)Ass(itt.) I don’t really know if this is a good idea even if we do lose Nimmo. He’s going to want a decent contract and I don’t really think we should give him the money. Don’t let the nostalgia trap you in the past folks! We need to win and win now, and we need to make the right moves to do it!
So that just about sums up what the Mets need to get done in free agency. They owe it to us to have a good one since they fumbled the trade deadline. I’m expecting when we go fishing, we’re bringing in the prize-winning bass! And that’s not a play for Bassitt, get that clown out of here. I’m talking baseball Jesus (DeGrom) Aaron Judge, and/or Trea Turner. It can happen, I know it can! YA GOTTA BELIEVE!!!!!!!!!!!!