If you did it right this year you have probably just finished the last of your Thanksgiving leftovers. That’s right, seven (7) days later you still should be eating Thanksgiving leftovers. Let me just say this, I would eat Thanksgiving leftovers for breakfast, lunch, and dinner all the way until Christmas! That’s right, Christmas! And I’d be jollier doing so than Santa Clause! I’d lick the plate clean each time just like I lick something else! (The middle of a tootsie pop, get your minds out the gutter!) Sadly though, I fumbled the bag with Thanksgiving leftovers this year. I only had enough to last me two (2) days! Somebody take me out back and kick my ass for that piss poor performance! But since I am reminiscing on Thanksgiving food, we may as well rank the winners and losers of the holiday.
WINNER: HAM
That’s right! The better meat to eat on Thanksgiving comes from a pig not a bird. Let me just say this, my cousin Waka Flocka did not go Turkey in the paint, he went HAM! It has so much flavor. The juice just drips off it, gets me all excited to get my mouth on it. (Pause) My Uncle makes a delicious cooked ham and every year I load my plate up with it. It’s so much better than dry ass turkey. It’s tender, its flavorful, it’s juicy, it’s tasty, and it’s pink. My second favorite pink thing to eat! (My first is pink starburst, gosh guys really? Get your mind out the gutter!)
LOSER: TURKEY
A true shame that the mascot for the entire holiday is in the loser category when it comes to the food. But as said just above, its dry, lacks flavor unless you have the dark meat. (I eat it all no discrimination on this side.) Turkeys no super star, like some of the other foods. If you’re the mascot of the holiday you need to be a super star. Turkeys barely getting in the rotation. This makes it a loser.
WINNER: GRAVY
You know how they do Chocolate fountains at weddings? They should do gravy fountains at Thanksgiving. Think of how genius that would be. It already goes on everything pretty much, it’s the only thing that makes Turkey desirable. Give me the gravy baby!
LOSER: CRANBERRY SAUCE
If you like Cranberry Sauce, I’m just going to assume you’re over 70 years old. This is in consideration for the biggest loser of Thanksgiving. It does not taste good whatsoever. If you took a lie detector test and said Cranberry Sauce tastes good it would go off that you were lying. Why do we even bring it to Thanksgiving I don’t know. It’s the guy who always shows up to the party that nobody wants there. If you like Cranberry Sauce, I have some news for you… You may be that guy.
WINNER: STUFFING
MVP Candidate every single year. Hang stuffing’s jersey in the rafters. Give Stuffing the gold jacket. HALL OF FAME PERFORMANCE EVERY YEAR SINCE THE PILGRIMS AND INDIANS HAD THE FIRST THANKSGIVING! Everyone loves stuffing. Deep down we all want to be stuffed (huh?) I ate so much stuffing I was stuffed! (lol)
WINNER: SWEET POTATO CASSEROLE (WITH THE MARSHMALLOWS!)
MVP Candidate every single year. Hang sweet potatoes jersey in the rafters. Give Sweet Potatoes the gold jacket. HALL OF FAME PERFORMANCE EVERY YEAR SINCE THE PILGRIMS AND INDIANS HAD THE FIRST THANKSGIVING! Everyone loves Sweet Potatoes. Deep down we all want to be loved sweetly. I ate so much sweet potatoes I texted all my homies Happy Thanksgiving and that I was thankful for them because I’m so sweet! (Not sus.)
WINNER MAC & CHEESE
MVP Candidate every single year. Hang Mac & Cheese jersey in the rafters. Give Mac & Cheese the gold jacket. HALL OF FAME PERFORMANCE EVERY YEAR SINCE THE PILGRIMS AND INDIANS HAD THE FIRST THANKSGIVING! Everyone loves Mac & Cheese.
Deep down we all want to be a mac(k) and make that cheddar (money.) I ate so much Mac & Cheese I texted my shawtay at the table to mac(k) some of that good good! This what I mean:
Also, if you’re one of those people that says Mac & Cheese shouldn’t be at Thanksgiving because it’s not a traditional side you need to grow up. Mac & Cheese is arguably the best dish and belongs at Thanksgiving! Oh, you need more proof? See below, the superstar Mac & Cheese is:
WINNER: MASHED POTATOES
When Mashed potatoes has the little black things in it (I’m told this is actually pepper) and it gives them that extra clump it is so delicious. Otherwise, you can keep it! I ain’t got no room for mashed potato soup! Also, garlic mash big fire. But that clumpy pepper mash, delicioso!
WINNER: BISCUITS
Just look at that sexy buttered biscuit, oh my goodness wow. We use the Pillsbury dough boy ones at my family’s thanksgiving because we all about the dough you feel me! Biscuits got us ballin! The perfect accessory to every plate. Absolutely delicious!
WINNER: GREEN BEAN CASSEROLE
Mom #2 (my gf’s mom) did not make this this year and I was very upset. A staple side at Thanksgiving. It just melts in your mouth it is so delicious. Fuck green beans regularly but put them in this and I’ll eat my veggies like a good little boy!
WINNER: PIES
Let me be clear, Pies are a far superior dessert than cake. Give me a pie over a cheesecake or regular cake any day of the week, especially the Thursday of Thanksgiving! The amount of pies I eat on Thanksgiving is astounding! You have; Chocolate Pudding Pie (goated) Banana Cream Pie (a cream pie in my mouth with a long banana to go with it?!?! So yummy and not sus. Goated pie as well) Sweet Potato Pie (not as good as the sweet potato casserole but still delicious!) Coconut Custard Pie (Normally I’m not a coconut fan but this shit is out of this world. I feel like this is an older generation pie, so if you thought I was immature, I’m sorry to say you are mistaken) Apple Crumb Pie (better than apple, the little crumbs get the job done.) I took a piece of every single one of these pies on Thanksgiving and IT WAS GLORIOUS!
WINNER: OTHER DESSERTS
Now the Pies rain supreme but all desserts are delicious on Thanksgiving. Give me the black and white cookies, the chocolate chip, the eclairs, anything, give me it all. And then after I eat the desserts give me another plate of the food.
LOSER: PUMPKIN PIE
Pumpkin Pie is not good. I will die on this hill. Not a fan of pumpkin flavored anything. Pumpkin spice gross. The added cinnamon to all Pumpkin shit is nasty, considering cinnamon is overrated as is. Do me a favor, take your pumpkin pie, go outside, open the garbage can, and throw it inside where it belongs
WINNER: LASAGNA
For all my Guinea’s out there, I know you had Lasagna as well. Was Thanksgiving a holiday in the roman empire? Because on Thanksgiving we eat Lasagna. Throw it on my plate next to everything else, it is a necessity and should be at everyone’s thanksgiving. Shout out my Motha she makes a mean Lasagna, no doubt!
So, there you have it. The winners and losers of one of the greatest holidays we celebrate. There are not many losers on Thanksgiving, because all the food is just so good. But there are a few traditional foods it is time to move on from. If you still have leftovers, enjoy them because I am jealous. But I’m thankful I got to eat them while I did, (get it, since it’s THANKSgiving food?)